The Surprise Guest for Dinner Trend

You show up for dinner thinking you are the only guests… but it’s not the case.

Is it me or has it become a trend to be invited to a dinner, only to show up and realise you were not the only couple invited and you were not told in advance?

It happened to me some time ago and it felt very uncomfortable. We had invited this particular couple over for dinner before and the impression was that they were returning the invite, but when we arrived, there was another couple already there.

I knew her vaguely and I had no problem with her, but the husband was a bit of a character that took center stage. Remember Fleabag and her brother in law? Well, It wasn’t that bad but he’s not everybody’s cup of tea. My husband didn’t know any of them and he was even more surprised and uncomfortable than me. More than the people, it was the fact that we thought it was a couples date, and it wasn’t.

Catching up with a friend recently, she shared this exact same thing has happened to her, a few times. In all these instances it was not a last minute thing, but something that had been in the calendar for a while. Now she’s asking in advance who is invited and rejecting plans politely if they don’t suit.

I have an upcoming invitation for dinner. Again a couple returning the favour. I haven’t done it yet but I’m thinking of asking somehow if anybody else is coming that evening. I just don’t quite know if I should be direct or use the excuse of bringing dessert.

So here’s the question, is asking who else is coming considered rude? Some people get offended by these things. As a host, wouldn’t you want your guests to leave happy and fulfilled after all the effort you put into the dinner? So why keeping this crucial piece of information from them? It would have never occurred to me to do so.

Evening family time is at a premium. Friendship time too.

In my household, we have a very small window of time before bedtime to catch up just the four of us. Many times our dinners at home become holiday planning or budget meetings because there’s just no other time to do those things face to face.

We don’t meet our closest friends that often either. We are a family with young kids and that’s kind of expected but I think it’s happening to younger people too. I have the feeling that life has become very busy lately, and also expensive. For everybody.

Going out for dinner sometimes feels like it’s taking time and money away from other things that matter more. There’s a cost of opportunity there. You don’t always want to spend your precious free time with people you don’t know, in situations where you can’t be yourself. One should be able to choose when to do that.

(This is what I wore for that particular dinner)

Truth to be told, dinners out, for me, at the moment, are the anti-plan. I much prefer to catch up for lunch, brunch or coffee. Most days by the time I reach 6pm I have lost the will to live, and I still have 3 more hours to go. Between kids crashing after school, extra curriculum activities and reluctancy to do homework, my energy is drained early in the evening.

I have been particularly anti-dinners this year because I have had issues sleeping. Perimenopause entered the chat. Eating late and going to bed late just causes havoc to my body. Like a hangover effect that can last days regardless if there’s alcohol involved or not.

Going to sleep after putting the kids to bed has become an amazing plan and I’m not ashamed of saying it.

I personally don’t believe that one should sacrifice health or family time to please others. There’s this pressure to keep up with appearances that I find completely unnecessary in this moment of my life.

If you have the energy (and money) to comply with every social commitment you may have, by all means, go ahead and wine and dine until you drop. Enjoy yourself! I’m not saying it’s wrong.

I have friends that host all the time and mixing groups is their thing. I have met some amazing people this way but I also met others I chose not to spend anymore time with after that.

The difference is that they will always tell me who else is coming. They take no offence if you don’t invite them as often, or if you reject the invitation because there’s somebody coming you don’t want to make the effort for.

It’s the making the effort part that I’ve become very selective with.

If you have little energy you have to use wisely. I call it the economy of effort.

Sometimes in a Yoga class you enter a pose and you don’t know how long the teacher is going to leave you there. You need to connect with you body. Get awareness of the muscles that you really need to use to sustain the pose, and release those that you are tensing with no purpose. They steal your energy from the real effort required.

Do that right now. No matter what you are doing. Give it a try.

So in a nutshell, I believe it’s not considerate not to tell your guests there’s other people coming to the plan. It might be a bigger deal for them for them than it is for you, so just please be upfront about who else is invited, and please don’t blast the dinner all over social media ;-) That’s just so 2010.

Until next time

XoXo